A stop on the journey.

When you meet someone very close to you after years, hug them realising HOW much they mean to you in your life and how much you've missed just seeing that face around and talking to each other in person, seeing the change the past 4 years brought in your life, in you, and how very much things have changed. How circumstances build on you and make you who you are now. You drop a tear or two, and try to accept the change and continue to walk through this journey of yours.

Some times the past really haunts you.

Finally, welcome 2013.

In a good place right now.

Read a lot. Feel that satisfaction only an avid reader can feel.

Life seems alright.

I made it alright. :D

People judge you, but you can just as well tell them to buzz off. It doesn't really matter. Trust me. :D

Started writing again. After a really long time.

If you are not in a good space mentally, if you don't feel what you write, then it just doesn't come out. 

If its not from the heart, it doesn't connect.

I've often heard from people that my writing connects them to me. I thought it was a very common thing- till about my first year of college. Then, I realized not everyone can do that. 

Lucky me. :)

So, I went underground too scared to open my heart when I wasn't ready for it.

Now I am. It feels like home, again! :)

I am opening myself to feeling things again. Good, bad, whatever! It's worth every penny! 

Here's a hope of travel, learning, happiness, those silent moments, warmth from the ones you love, sunshine, food, snow, nature and a lot more new experiences! Second half of 2013, you better make up for the first half!

You are already showing me lots of promise. Please keep it that way.

For I fear
I might end it
the last of the relationships
from the days of yore.
That one link
which binds me
to the past
and the years gone by.
Even if it kills me,
from the inside,
my heart,
more than my mind,
is ready to take it all.
The pain,
the walls,
the ire of it on me,
et all.

Yes,
I think I am breaking from the inside,
to form something new,
with the parts of the old,
building something stronger.

From a million nerve cells at a time. Pouring from all sides.

One of those things that defines me- one of the most important things- is that if I do something, I do it whole-heartedly. Of my own accord- not because somebody told me to something. I would never do that. In fact, people who are really close to me will know what kind of a stubborn ass I am.

I never knew that I could not live with a decision somebody else took for me- my life- and it would turn out to be life-altering for me- not THIS much. This is just way freaking much than I ever bargained for.

This turned me into something else entirely. And I am clawing my way hard and steady- every single day- to not let it win. I win. I always did- and somewhere in the recent past, I lost the habit of winning on the path- I am trying really hard to find it. I need it. I am a happy person. A really happy person. And winning is important to me- it was a major part of me. It makes me happy. I really need to find it. It is not a necessity. For me, winning is when I do something with all my love for the work that I do- it isn't against somebody else. It is striving to do something better- to be able to cross the barriers you've put for yourself. To go beyond your thinking and create something beautiful. Every single day.
It is finding comfort in what you do- and I have been missing that for quite some time now.

The last four years have made me go off the rails in a way I never imagined- nor did the people I love. But experiences are to be learnt from. They make you a better person- a knowledgeable person. They make you cautious towards life- but never let your free-spiritedness go. It makes you who you are. It lets you live a life. 

It's that last final stretch- the one which will make all the difference in the world. 

All I would like to remind myself when I come back here is- from now on, I will choose my path- I will not let anyone crawl over it. I will find my destiny- no, I will make it.

This is a promise I will keep for the rest of my life- a promise to myself. I will only do something that I love, and I will never feel like this again. I will make myself a better person everyday- and I will never waiver from my principles. I will never compromise on something important in life- because I've tried it once- really really hard- and I am horrible at it. I can compromise on having karela and not aloo fry, but not on the big ones. I will never do that.

I will live, love and conquer. Because, somebody once told me- I am a pretty great girl- and I will do wonderful things. I believe that I can.

Make me feel.

I feel like someone killed that part of me. Where I used to write emotionally and feel so much.
Where I used to hang on to things that mattered to me.
And now I don't.

Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I am confused.

I feel like I'm tip-toeing right around the edge of it all.
Like there is a storm brewing in me.
I'm letting everything slide by me. Without as much as a crib.
It scares me to just think about that by-gone era.
But it also scares me and makes me wonder "What if  I can't write anymore?"
I couldn't imagine it. I just tried to, but I couldn't. It would kill me.
This is the way I let it all out. This is the way I speak my mind. More than I talk, I write.
In this world where my relationship with my phone and my laptop are so important because of the distances that the world has thrown onto us, this is my thing. It's what I do. I write, and I type.
I think and I feel.
and then, I write. and I write some more.

Taking this away from me would leave me vulnerable. SO vulnerable, it would leave me handicapped.

When darkness looms around

Those days when you sit,
and pray with all your heart,
to bring back the good old days.
Tis when darkness looms around.

Those days when you sit,
and beg the universe,
to give you back the lost time.
Tis when darkness looms around.

Those days when you look back,
and realise the world has moved on,
to a better place.
Tis when darkness looms around.

Those days when desperation hits you,
and desolation is brought upon,
to bring you to its path of misery.
Tis when darkness looms around.

Those days when every moment,
and every nerve cell in your body scream out,
to absorb the happiness in the world.
Tis when darkness looms around.

Yang :)

So, like I said, I am posting a happy post!
Exams bring out the best in me - they squeeze in all the creative juices in my brain and it's one of those times I think the most and thus, end up being of some use to me and the world.


I want to talk about an exercise that I came across today, which I thought was intriguing, so I decided to try it out.


The exercise is - Write down the first 10 things that come across your mind that you know to be true.


10 Things I know to be true


1) We are technology dependent, and I can only see us depending more and more on it with each passing day.
2) I indulge in a lot of movies and tv series, basically anything which has a story in it. Stories fascinate me, I half-live in them and they keep my world alive.
3) Independence - freedom, excitement & love are very important to me. Freedom is a state of mind. Excitement keeps hope alive in me. Love is the most powerful energy.
4) Everyone should travel. It is one of the best learning experiences.
5) Mothers are the strongest people in the world. I don't know what I'd do without mine.
6) Time - best teacher and healer. Everyday we learn something.
7) Understanding me - atleast 75%- the reasons behind why I do what I do - is very difficult. One of those days, somebody will get through.
8) You need to find who you are. If you fail this, it doesn't matter what else you find.
9) Communication is the key. In every and all situations.
10) The world, is about to change, and we are leaving a foot-print with a drink of life on it.

Yin

Looks like I come here only when I am on the negative side of life.
Dear blog, you are my savior!
when I need perspective.
or my vent-box.
Sigh, I promise i'll be good to you and make an effort to express happiness here more often.

Day started on a hauntingly bad note. Had an argument with maa and then a bad exam. So, instead of sitting and sulking in a corner, I decided to live it up, and galloped to the nearest mall to watch a movie I was waiting for, for a long time - Tintin. Alone. Alone time is good. But not for too long. The city has become the busiest this past semester and slowly, daily meetings and checking with people from time to time - are taking painfully long.
Or like some people say, "it's just the age".
I thought the most adventurous part of the day was watching the movie, but little did I know, it was just the beginning.
Within 2 minutes of reaching home, I ended up under a broken shelf with a broken finger and chocolate syrup on my face.
And, the rambling w.o.n.t. stop.

I need mental peace.
I need a room of my own.
I need love - real. Not virtual.
I need excitement.

I need direction in life.

Up.

I feel so positive today. There is this energy bursting out of me. I could jump on top of a rainbow and spring wings and fly on top of the ocean. There is so much sunlight around. The warm rays falling on my skin makes me alive. I love the sun. Cold is so passe. It resembles gloom, I feel. I could meet a thousand people today and still not be wary by the end of the day. I could talk forever and ever.. And people who know me, know that I can and I will. :)
I could dance till my legs give up. I can think of a thousand things to do in the coming year. I feel light-headed, which is so rare. I thought it turned into extinction. Everything feels so perfect.
I am finally out of my cocoon.

How do you get people out of your heart? 

Why don't they teach this in school? Maybe its one of those things we need to learn on our own.

How do you deal when people stopped missing you? You start wondering how you give them that chance. But then you realize you are too scared to ever let anyone in. 

Because hearts are very fragile. 

I don't trust mine. Its been a damaged good for way too long now.

Sometimes all you want is for somebody to just hug you tight and say its going to be alright. Everything is going to be just fine.

I wish I stop listening to my heart and just listen to what my brain says.

Sometimes you just wish your heart wasn't so stubborn. You weren't so stubborn. But blame it on the heart for now if that satisfies you.

Sometimes you just wish you had some one. To just let it all out.

The tug at my heart. I just swallow, put on a smile, and go on. But there are times I punch my pillow wishing for it to just go away.

So..

There are a hundred thoughts and a hundred things to worry about or not worry about.

All that is happening is, my brain has shut down. It just doesn't want to think anymore.

It screams out loud early in the morning for a holiday. It has been working for a person who loves holidays. And now it actually realises why it wants a holiday.
Holiday means going away from this place, just letting it go. Leaving the people here and the thoughts here. In my happy place.
Every single minute of every single day it cries out loud. So much so that it has now stopped thinking. No thoughts, no emotions. Insensitivity is slowly creeping into the head.

Mind you, (haha, what an irony) you mind, go for a holiday. Breathe out. There is too much air inside.

Soon.

And evenings like these.. :)

An afternoon, tired, sleepy and hungry, I went,

a movie unfinished, he slept,

a movie finished, I slept,

and she got chinese, and we ate. :)

With smiles as innocent as children and those lazy afternoons in the summer. We sat and we talked, we made fun of each other, we missed a piece of the square, who was soon coming home, to us.

We laughed and we laughed, because thats how he lives his life, and makes ours. 

She goes.
and then me and he remain. I learn how to play a guitar and realise they are pure genius.  

We did absolutely nothing, but then we did everything. :) 

Fought like 2 year old kids, screamed, fooled around with our fb a/cs.. Ate "maggi".

Simple joys. :) 

Sat on the couch, spoke. Life, the future. People assume he doesn't think much. I din't. I was right.

The course, two problems of life, where we and they separate.

and water trickled. He says,"You know why I don't usually talk about these with you? Just look at yourself in the mirror."


There was warmth somewhere deep inside. and i felt cold.

Slow evening it was, life was fast. 

From the kids we were to the thoughts now. With 18, comes responsibility. 

I din't know so much was going on in your head. Funny brain it was! 4 years or 10 years, or when all of us get married, the course of life will always take us together, in a journey I chose to travel with you, forever.

I promise, distance will never matter, we won't make it matter.

Life was good. Life will be even better.

I heard somewhere that early morning dreams come true.
I hope it does.
:)

What i have done is who i am. But what i have done is not who i will be.

The world should be limited to Hyderabad.

I hate this part.

Just when I was feeling everything was back in place.

Monicca calling and speaking for hours.

Sitting and doing nothing for hours together. and STILL having the best of fun.

Mumbaikars doing the most craziest of things and Manipal beggars fooling around.

Life was good.

I was feeling safe. Safer than ever.

 Why can't everybody stay? I don't want anybody to go to other places to study and work. Stay back all of you.

Wishes and truths.

The laughs. The uncontrollable laughs.
Giggle around the corner for an AIDS slide, for just drawing the tanned guy as a monkey.
The lunatic's laugh, the gentleman's laugh.
The guy-whose-stomach-always-aches-laugh.
The girl who believes in happy-endings-laugh.

Laughed. Laughed like I haven't laughed in years. Laughed like it is the end of the world. Laughed like there was no end to this world.

Just.
The laughs.
And. The end to a great day. :)

Little Princess.

"You know when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? 
That fantasy of what your life would be –white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You’d lie in your bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. 
Santa clause, the tooth fairy, prince charming –they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up and one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. 
Most people turn to the things and people they trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of faith and hope that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true. 
At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. 
It turns up when you don’t really expect it. 
It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly different than your dream. 
The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happily ever after –just that it’s happy right now. 
See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. 
And once in awhile, people may even take your breath away."

Friendship isn't a big thing. It's a million little things :)

The best feeling in the World is the feeling of being loved.

Yes, it is.
A single message expressing that love when you are in a cracked- state in a crowded room can make it the most interesting place ever to be inhabited.
On a lazy holiday afternoon, sitting with your friends and just talking about under-the-sun things, with them, giving this yes, I-like-you look and somehow radiate this I-will-be-with-you-forever look can make it the bestest afternoons ever.
In those really long mails, or those not-even-two-sentences mails, just the sense of being loved is all that matters. Thats what keeps us going.



But.
[Yes, Our lives revolve around "but" a lot these days. :P]
Expecting it is always your "way to hell".

Never expect, Just let it happen and feel. :)

Feel loved. :)

Lessons Learnt.

You know what college taught me?
It taught me how to not depend completely on the place you go to daily.
There is life beyond that. and before that.
You don't have to compulsorily spend your entire undivided attention there.
It taught me how to spend time with people i love and care about and realise their importance.
It showed me the negatives of thy people.
It gave me space {Although I din't need it. :P}

It bursted my bubble of thoughts and showed an entire new world. :)
Well, I appreciate that.
I learnt my lessons.