From a million nerve cells at a time. Pouring from all sides.

One of those things that defines me- one of the most important things- is that if I do something, I do it whole-heartedly. Of my own accord- not because somebody told me to something. I would never do that. In fact, people who are really close to me will know what kind of a stubborn ass I am.

I never knew that I could not live with a decision somebody else took for me- my life- and it would turn out to be life-altering for me- not THIS much. This is just way freaking much than I ever bargained for.

This turned me into something else entirely. And I am clawing my way hard and steady- every single day- to not let it win. I win. I always did- and somewhere in the recent past, I lost the habit of winning on the path- I am trying really hard to find it. I need it. I am a happy person. A really happy person. And winning is important to me- it was a major part of me. It makes me happy. I really need to find it. It is not a necessity. For me, winning is when I do something with all my love for the work that I do- it isn't against somebody else. It is striving to do something better- to be able to cross the barriers you've put for yourself. To go beyond your thinking and create something beautiful. Every single day.
It is finding comfort in what you do- and I have been missing that for quite some time now.

The last four years have made me go off the rails in a way I never imagined- nor did the people I love. But experiences are to be learnt from. They make you a better person- a knowledgeable person. They make you cautious towards life- but never let your free-spiritedness go. It makes you who you are. It lets you live a life. 

It's that last final stretch- the one which will make all the difference in the world. 

All I would like to remind myself when I come back here is- from now on, I will choose my path- I will not let anyone crawl over it. I will find my destiny- no, I will make it.

This is a promise I will keep for the rest of my life- a promise to myself. I will only do something that I love, and I will never feel like this again. I will make myself a better person everyday- and I will never waiver from my principles. I will never compromise on something important in life- because I've tried it once- really really hard- and I am horrible at it. I can compromise on having karela and not aloo fry, but not on the big ones. I will never do that.

I will live, love and conquer. Because, somebody once told me- I am a pretty great girl- and I will do wonderful things. I believe that I can.

Make me feel.

I feel like someone killed that part of me. Where I used to write emotionally and feel so much.
Where I used to hang on to things that mattered to me.
And now I don't.

Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I am confused.

I feel like I'm tip-toeing right around the edge of it all.
Like there is a storm brewing in me.
I'm letting everything slide by me. Without as much as a crib.
It scares me to just think about that by-gone era.
But it also scares me and makes me wonder "What if  I can't write anymore?"
I couldn't imagine it. I just tried to, but I couldn't. It would kill me.
This is the way I let it all out. This is the way I speak my mind. More than I talk, I write.
In this world where my relationship with my phone and my laptop are so important because of the distances that the world has thrown onto us, this is my thing. It's what I do. I write, and I type.
I think and I feel.
and then, I write. and I write some more.

Taking this away from me would leave me vulnerable. SO vulnerable, it would leave me handicapped.

When darkness looms around

Those days when you sit,
and pray with all your heart,
to bring back the good old days.
Tis when darkness looms around.

Those days when you sit,
and beg the universe,
to give you back the lost time.
Tis when darkness looms around.

Those days when you look back,
and realise the world has moved on,
to a better place.
Tis when darkness looms around.

Those days when desperation hits you,
and desolation is brought upon,
to bring you to its path of misery.
Tis when darkness looms around.

Those days when every moment,
and every nerve cell in your body scream out,
to absorb the happiness in the world.
Tis when darkness looms around.