Tuesday, October 16, 2012

From a million nerve cells at a time. Pouring from all sides.

One of those things that defines me- one of the most important things- is that if I do something, I do it whole-heartedly. Of my own accord- not because somebody told me to something. I would never do that. In fact, people who are really close to me will know what kind of a stubborn ass I am.
I never knew that I could not live with a decision somebody else took for me- my life- and it would turn out to be life-altering for me- not THIS much. This is just way freaking much than I ever bargained for.

This turned me into something else entirely. And I am clawing my way hard and steady- every single day- to not let it win. I win. I always did- and somewhere in the recent past, I lost the habit of winning on the path- I am trying really hard to find it. I need it. I am a happy person. A really happy person. And winning is important to me- it was a major part of me. It makes me happy. I really need to find it. It is not a necessity. For me, winning is when I do something with all my love for the work that I do- it isn't against somebody else. It is striving to do something better- to be able to cross the barriers you've put for yourself. To go beyond your thinking and create something beautiful. Every single day.
It is finding comfort in what you do- and I have been missing that for quite some time now.

The last four years have made me go off the rails in a way I never imagined- nor did the people I love. But experiences are to be learnt from. They make you a better person- a knowledgeable person. They make you cautious towards life- but never let your free-spiritedness go. It makes you who you are. It lets you live a life. 
It's that last final stretch- the one which will make all the difference in the world. 

All I would like to remind myself when I come back here is- from now on, I will choose my path- I will not let anyone crawl over it. I will find my destiny- no, I will make it.

This is a promise I will keep for the rest of my life- a promise to myself. I will only do something that I love, and I will never feel like this again. I will make myself a better person everyday- and I will never waiver from my principles. I will never compromise on something important in life- because I've tried it once- really really hard- and I am horrible at it. I can compromise on having karela and not aloo fry, but not on the big ones. I will never do that.

I will live, love and conquer. Because, somebody once told me- I am a pretty great girl- and I will do wonderful things. I believe that I can.

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